The legal limit for texting&driving should be 140 characters.

I wonder if due to advances in technology the dance move “the robot” will no longer exist.  What if robots begin to use fluid movements and becoming rather good dancers. 

I bet robots are actually practicing right now, and one day will reveal to us their talent.  After years of ridicule and mockery they will be superior on the dance floor.

so i guess the phrase “in a better place” has been reserved for death.  
here lies a scenario where technically the phrase would work but due to this connotation, wouldn’t be advised to use.

(A Nursing Home)
Women: Hi, I looked inside my mothers room but I don’t see her. Where is she?
Nurse: She’s in a better place.
Women: what?!? mom!!!!  
Nurse: you can go down there if you want.
Women: what are you trying to say lady. i can go DOWN there! Let me tell you she was a very nice lady, and that whole jail time thing back in ‘66 was not her fault…
Nurse:  Your mother is in the new remodeled portion of the Nursing Home,located on the lower level. its a better place then her old room.

Thing you don’t want to hear on an airplane:
Pilot: During todays flight feel free to follow me on Twitter to keep you updated on the current flight status!

I changed my lady friend’s signature on her phone to “or maybe not”.

This resulted in confusion.

*Example:

Person A: are you going to the game?

Tessa (Victim): yes or maybe not

Person A: huh…well let me know if your going for sure

Tessa (Victim): i will or maybe not

tehehe

*Paraphrased

Shakespeare once said, “FML or MLIA, Ah, there’s the rub!”

The age old question of whether to end our Facebook statuses with FML or with MLIA has haunted many for centuries years months weeks.  While pondering this myself, I have decided that the answer to this question can be determined by ones geographic location.

Example 1:
(Fort Wayne, Indiana)  Today, My parents are forcing me to mary someone I have never met. FML

(New Delhi, India) Today, My parents are forcing me to mary someone I have never met. MLIA

Example 2:

(Sydney, Australia) Today, I drove on the left side of the road. MLIA

(Fort Wayne, Indiana) Yesterday*, I drove on the left side of the road. FML

Example 3:

(Baghdad, Iraq) Today, my city was bombed. MLIA

(Fort Wayne, Indiana) Today, my city was bombed. FML

*reference to significant time difference

The person who came up with the legal term reckless driving is a tard.  I mean, shouldn’t it be considered a good thing to be reck”less”.  And besides that, he couldn’t spell either.  I mean seriously… “reck”???

I know, I know, someone is going to read this and be all like “Silly Paul, don’t you know anything,  “reck” is a word that means to have care, concern, or regard, making the phrase make perfect sense.”

and to you I say

Party pooper.

That’s right, I said it.

I Kissed A Girl and It Really Just Wasn’t For Me.

at the luers award ceremony…
Devin: “I think they should change the name of the award from Perfect Attendance to Best Immune System”

I’m going to keep this blog to my jokes, but I think this is too funny to not share.